The Tuesday Ten for 12/27 - Christmas 2011 Links

These links promise not to be as naughty next year.

Christmas Songs To Play Loudly While Wrapping Presents

If you're tired of listening to the same old Christmas songs like "The Little Drummer Boy", "The Twelve Days of Christmas" or even "Wonderful 'I just got a new synthesizer' Christmastime" every year here are some relatively new and not so new songs that might be an alternative.

The Tuesday Ten for 12/20 - Celebrity Impression Links

These links promise not to milk any wolves.

No Tuesday Ten - Where Wishes Go To Eat

No Tuesday Ten today because I was out tonight and don't have time. I should probably mention I'm out of the country* and headed to bed. But, first, something that amused me...

*Please don't burgle me

Misplaced Songs - 12/9/11 - "Other 99"

There's a movement afoot. You may have heard of it. It's called "Occupy Wall Street." We provided banks with money and all they did was get richer. Meanwhile, all across the US there are a slew of 13 year olds saying "Hey! How about you occupy my pants!"

Funny thing about the Occupy movement. They have a theme song and they don't realize it.

The Tuesday Ten for 12/6 - Chicken Links

The Tuesday Ten promise that they've actually seen a chicken.

1. I never realized Sarah Bernhardt was such a versatile author.

2. I hate it when my ants get greedy.

3. I bet a bunch of people wish they could've yelled at Ang Lee. I would like to for starting the "everyone in movies can fly" movement with Crouching Tiger River Liquor (you may know this movie by a different title.)

4. They do.

5. I'm a big fan of made up categories with long titles.

6. In case it wasn't clear.

7. This is ridiculous but I've looked at it at least 3 times today and it still makes me laugh. I bet Alanis Morissette doesn't find it the least bit funny.

8. It would be cool if fast food restaurants and movie theaters started selling "diabetes-sized" drinks.

9. Video time: This features my old friend Vanessa Bayer. I like this because I'm ten years old.




10. I may have linked to this before but, if I did, this is a way better clip than the earlier one - yes, it's the Arrested Development chicken dances.



I got a request on Facebook so I'll try to accommodate that on Friday. Meanwhile, I'm glad I have no use for the "Me Time" mattress.

The Tuesday Ten for 11/29 - Life and Death Links

These links promise not to eat you:

How I Spend My Saturday Afternoons or How "No Pinot 'til Brooklyn" May Have Changed My Life

I went to a party at Doreen and Steve's house in late summer of 2009. It was a wine party. Steve loves wine. I like wine as does Doreen. But Doreen and I are not lovers of wine.

The Tuesday Ten for 11/22 - Grateful Links

The Tuesday Ten promise not to complain when they eat too much this coming Thursday. (Editor's note: I modified the links so they open in new windows automatically. Sorry for not doing this before. I make no guarantees about doing it in the future.)

No Tuesday Ten (sniff, sniff)

No Tuesday Ten today because work is getting in the way. I'll give you a video of Conan taking a side job.

He's at least a foot taller than all his co-workers.

The Tuesday Ten for 11/8 - Occupy Bacon Links

These links promise to love bacon.

The Tuesday Ten for 11/1 - Divorced Links

The Tuesday Ten promise not to divorce you after 72 days of marriage.*

*They promise to wait at least six and a half years.

The Tuesday Ten for 10/25 - Mixup Links

These links promise not to call for a hit and run then refrain from swinging at the pitch.

Worries and Theories

2 quick notes:

If zombie Ed McMahon rings my doorbell holding an oversized check should I answer?

Overheard last night in Schaumburg, a man speaking to a woman: "Are you familiar with the Big Bang Theory?" (Woman responds in the affirmative.) "Well, I have a theory about that..."

The Tuesday Ten for 10/18 - A Maze of Links

The Tuesday Ten took a week off due to lack of material. But we're back now to fulfill your clicking needs. These links promise not to leave while watching their son get beat up at a football game.

The Tuesday Ten for 10/4 - Hello Goodbye Links

These links promise not to live or hang out in any controversially named towns.

The Tuesday Ten for 9/27 - Breakup Links

These links promise not to break up after years of irrelevance.

The Tuesday Ten for 9/20 - Lame Links

The Tuesday Ten apologizes for being absent last week and also promises not to try to use Facebook to cure breast cancer.

The Tuesday Ten for 9/5 - Yelling Goat Links

This week's links promise not to compare your singing to a yelling goat.

The Tuesday Ten for 8/30 - Shaky Links

These links promise not to get you excited about impending natural disasters.

The Tuesday Ten for 8/23 - Super Slidey Links

These links promise not to bore you with every last detail of their summer vacation.

The Tuesday Ten for 8/16 - Retirement Links

These links promise not to quit on you in a fit of frustration.

The Tuesday Ten for 8/9 - Animal Posts

These links promise not to lower your bond rating.

The Tuesday Ten for 8/2 - The Long and Winding Road to These Links

These links promise to look just as good when they're 69. I saw Paul McCartney this past Sunday at Wrigley Field. This has inspired me to have a theme to my comments on these links. I really should have just let it be.

The Tuesday Ten for 7/26 - It's Been A While Links

The Tuesday Ten had a nice vacation and hopes you're having a nice summer. Maybe you've raised your debt ceiling or avoided a murder charge. I know I have.

Vacation Stories 2011

I just spent a week in Glen Arbor MI with some friends and their families. There are 3 couples with a total of 6 kids in the house we rent. Emily (age 10) belongs to Neff and Kathy. Henry (10) and George (8) belong to Josh and Jenny. Lily(10), Clara(8) and Timmy(6) belong to Burt and Beth. As you can imagine, the kids say some funny things. Here's a sampling of them.

The Tuesday Ten for 7/5 - Half the links, Twice the fun!

I only had 5 links to post so it'll be a different Tuesday Ten.  It's a mixture of links and notes.

The Tuesday Ten for 6/28 - All The Bacon Links

These links promise not to demand pork for their nomination, just all the bacon, um, er...

The Wednesday Ten for 6/22/11 - Late for Chicken

Today's links promise to give you an extra day of love, or chicken slapping as the case may be.

The Tuesday Ten for 6/14 - South Beach Links

Different format today. Nothing to click through. Instead, these are my favorite Tweets about the Dallas Mavericks beating the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals which concluded this past Sunday.

The Tuesday Ten for 6/7 - Kidnapped Links

These links promise to know the meaning of satire:

A Few Quick Notes

A few quick notes for a Monday night:

The Tuesday Ten for 5/31 - Slowing Down Links

These links promise not to juice to boost their home run totals.

The Thursday T(h)en - 5/26/11 - Non-Alliterative Links

These links promise never to call you Charty:

My Short Tribute To Oprah

When I was married my wife and I had numerous running jokes. One of them had to do with Oprah. My ex got a 2-year subscription to O magazine as a gift from her mother. Every month when it would arrive in the mail she would say, "We got this month's Oprah." And I'd say, "Who's on the cover?"

Erik Spoelstra's New Nickname And Other Stuff

Nearly as lame as writing a post of links is a notes post. So it's time for a notes post!

• Burt and I went to see Elvis Costello on Sunday, which was great, so we missed the Bulls-Heat game. After the concert we went to The Pony and were waiting to see the highlights. The short version of the highlights came on SportsCenter, "SportsCenter Right Now." They showed a few highlights then went to the post-game press conferences. I stopped paying rapt attention. Then at one point Burt said, "Heat Spokesman?" I looked at him with a giant question mark on my face. He said, "The Heat don't have anyone from the team talk instead they have a spokesman?" I said, "I don't think that's true. Are you sure it wasn't their coach? I think his name is something like Erik Spoelstra." He said, well, it could've been. Sure enough, when they showed the highlights later I pointed out Erik Spoelstra and he said that's who he was talking about. So from now on Erik Spoelstra will be referred to as "Heat Spokesman." That's not far from the truth.

• While at The Pony we saw that Absolut has added more flavored vodkas but they've apparently run out of flavor names and have started naming them after cities. We saw Absolut Brooklyn and Absolut Boston on the bar. Ricky the bartender told us Absolut Brooklyn was "Red Apple and Ginger" flavored while Absolut Boston is "Black Tea and Elderflower" flavored. Fortunately, the Birthday Girl from this post was at the bar with her boyfriend. We struck up a conversation and they also were curious about the flavors. After many jokes about how Absolut Boston probably tasted like assholes we tried them. Boston was bad. Brooklyn was better, not bad but not great, but neither were one I'd be buying anytime soon.

• The Birthday Girl and her boyfriend had both managed to lose their phones that day. She was very concerned because she apparently has some Fish app that seems similar to those virtual pet games or Farmville in that she's supposed to take care of her fish frequently or they'll die. Since she had no mobile phone she couldn't do it. Tampa the bouncer and I kept joking about it while making bad fish puns. For instance Tampa told her it was a good thing she was at the bar so she could drown her sorrows. And that maybe she would feel better if she heard her favorite tuna. I told her we didn't really mean to make fun of her we were just doing it for the halibut. I wished I had told her that if her fish had needed an operation she could have called a sturgeon.
  

• Whenever anyone says "It is what it is" I respond "That's always true."
  

• Did Illinois coach Bruce Weber really say that Joe Bertrand is the best dancer on the team? Is there some sort of team competition?

The Tuesday Ten for 5/17 - Chartable Links

These links promise not to throw the ball away multiple times in a game so as to allow 7 unearned runs.

The Tuesday Ten for 5/10 - Fat Links

These links promise not to call you fat:

The Tuesday Ten - Analogous Links

Today's links promise not to describe you using a bad analogy:

Favorite Tweets About Bin Laden's Death

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Things We Do For Lust

A few weeks ago I was out at one of my favorite drinking establishments to watch the Blackhawks game. I happened to sit next to two lovely women, one of which I'll refer to as "Our Heroine."

The Tuesday Ten - Adult Themed Links

If I had tried to do a Tuesday Ten last week it would've been the Tuesday Four so I waited until I had ten links to share. These links promise to not to cause cramps:

Guillen Drops Most Of Lineup Down In The Batting Order

CHICAGO (UPI) -- In a surprise move, Chicago White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen has decided to drop most of his White Sox lineup down in the batting order. While Carlos Quentin and Paul Konerko will continue to hit third and fourth, the rest of the team will bat no higher than 7th. Guillen is making the move in the interest of speeding up the game. The team will take automatic outs in the first, second, fourth, fifth and sixth positions in the order.

The Tuesday Ten - Now Rebecca Black Free

These links promise not to back into the playoffs:

Early Links - About Society in General

Here are a handful of posts that I found interesting about the world in which we live.

Misplaced Songs - 4/9/11 - "Up and Down"

Today's Misplaced Song promises not to give you cancer.

The Tuesday Ten - Opening Day Links

These links promise not to blow a late inning lead.

Misplaced Songs - 4/1/11 "Unforgiven"

This week's Misplaced Song promises to go to any length to unforgive you.

The Tuesday Ten - Final Four Links

These links promise not to mess up your NCAA bracket.

Misplaced Songs 3/28/11 - "Scratching Circles"

This Misplaced Song is so misplaced it's from the wrong decade.

A Vegas Story

The last few years I've gone to Vegas this weekend, the second week of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, with Mark and a bunch of friends. This year they went the first week of the tournament, which they had for at least 14 years before, and I have my own rituals that weekend so I didn't go. To quote Burt, "There's March Madness and there's Vegas, they're two different things."

The Tuesday Ten - St. Patrick's Day Madness Links

These links promise to get drunk whether they're Irish or not and promise not to foul someone 89 feet from the basket.

Misplaced Songs - 3/18/11 - "Waterfall"

This edition of Misplaced Songs has so much stuff in its life there's no room for it to grow.

The Thursday Ten (Oops) - Late Links

These links promise to only be two days late.

Players Vs. Owners

On The Score Wednesday afternoon, Dan Bernstein and Laurence Holmes asked why it is that most people are siding with the owners in the dispute between players and owners that led to the NFL lockout. I have a theory on why this is.

20 Years (minus 3 months) Already?

Watched the celebration of the 20th Anniversary of the Chicago Bulls first championship. Here are a few random observations after the video:

Misplaced Songs - 3/12/11 - "Sing Me Spanish Techno"

This week's Misplaced Song will punish you for listening too long to it.

The Tuesday Ten - Spring Training Links

Today's links promise not to have a dugout skirmish:

Misplaced Songs - 3/4/11 - "It's Alright"

This week's Misplaced Song is by a band that keeps misplacing its band members.

The Tuesday Ten - Winning Links

These links are only on one drug and it's called the Tuesday Ten:

Lost In Translation

Ozzie Guillen's bad English is getting him in trouble with headline writers. In his tiff with Bobby Jenks he's quoted as saying, "I respect his wife. I respect his kids. I'm not even mad. I wish I was mad about it because I will rip his throat (out)." This statement has led to headlines such as,

Guillen threatens to 'rip' out Jenks' throat as argument escalates

I'm fairly certain what Ozzie meant to say is, "I wish I was mad about it because if I was I would rip his throat out." Since that's not what he said here come the headlines. But I think it's irresponsible to make headlines and stories like that after reading the statement because the headline is implying that a not angry Ozzie is threatening to rip Bobby Jenks' throat out. If that was the case just imagine what he would do if he was mad.

A Couple of Links: History and Vagueness

Two quick links, neither of which are funny just ones that I find interesting. The first one is where Phil Rosenthal puts Chicago's mayoral race into historical context. I'm a sucker for these types of articles.  

Chicago election: History tends to repeat itself -- and so do the media, historically

The second one is the writer lamenting the decline of the English language. Glad to see my generation is like at the forefront of this movement and stuff.*

What Happens in Vagueness Stays in Vagueness

*I once heard someone who is near my age finish her sentence, "...and stuff, and, and, and, and stuff."

What Was He Thinking

When David Bowie wrote "Young Americans" and included the line "Do you remember your President Nixon" about a week after Nixon resigned do you think he was thinking "these Americans I'm writing about are so drugged out they won't remember this guy who spent the last year in the headlines" or he thought "If this song gets played on classic rock radio 35 years from now this line will make perfect sense."

I'm pretty sure it was the former but if it was the latter that shows great foresight. I was going to say he's a great lyricist but then I remembered the lyrics to "Let's Dance."

Misplaced Songs - 2/25/11 - "Electric Barbarella"

This week's misplaced song features a band and a song that pay homage to Jane Fonda's most famous role.*

*According to Ross Denton.

Woo Hoo?

News out of Cardinals camp today is that Adam Wainwright may be out for the season with a significant injury to his elbow. This is a huge blow to the Cardinals playoff chances and as such slightly increases the chance the Cubs can make the postseason. This injury highlights an interesting dilemma as a sports fan.

The Tuesday Ten - Dusty Links

These links promise not to leave anything in your spot in the dugout.

Normally, Don't Trust My Age

I may be changing the name of this blog to "My Disguise Is Working."

Some of you may have seen references on Facebook to a meeting with the cops, my being carded and an article about people with glasses. I thought I'd give more detail here.

Misplaced Songs - 2/18/11 - "Kiss With A Fist"

As someone who had heard of Arcade Fire before the Grammys I thought I'd focus on an artist that many people had not heard of before that awards show. This one happens to be British not Canadian.

The Tuesday Ten - Love Hangover Links

These links promise to show their appreciation every day not just on February 14th.

Misplaced Songs - 2/11/11 - "You're All I Wanna Do"

This week's song is from a Rockford Illinois band that is known for "Surrender" yet won't give up being a rock and roll band.

Sloan and Dee

Reports are out today that Jerry Sloan has resigned as coach of the Utah Jazz. There will be many career eulogies written and spoken in the next few days. This story is about perspective.

The Tuesday Ten - Singing Links

These links promise not mess up the words to your favorite anthem.

The Colonel and The Bulldog

Richard Dent was voted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. It's a great honor for the Colonel and one that was a few years overdue. My main memories of the Colonel involved the Bulldog.

Viewing Habits

Here is a diagram of my parents' TV viewing habits (click to embiggen) based on my extensive research after spending a few non-holiday-related days at their house. Mom, of course, complains that Dad's always watching "Bones." Mom used to watch more movies on Lifetime but I think she's seen them all.

Misplaced Songs - 2/4/11 - "I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked"

For this week's misplaced song we travel to the land of Norway which is apparently filled with energetic female singers.

The Tuesday Ten - Snowy Links

These links promise not to go to the grocery food and hoard all your food and water.

Misplaced Songs - 1/28/11 - "Rough Justice"

This week's Misplaced Songs entry is by the Rolling Stones which makes it a little hard to put into context.  It's from their 2005 release A Bigger Bang. 

The Tuesday Ten - Tough Links

Today's links are so tough they promise not to come off the field unless they're dead AND EVEN THEN THEIR GHOST WILL PLAY!

Misplaced Songs - 1/21/11 - "Someone Who's Cool"

This week's edition of Misplaced Songs features a Canadian band that I don't know much about. What this means to the reader is that this will be a much shorter post than last week's. 

What The Bears Need To Do To Win

I implied in the last post that I think the Packers will win on Sunday.  While this is true I think it will be a close game which means it can really go either way.  So what do the Bears have to do to win?

Those "Lucky" Bears

It was only a matter of time before there was a sports related post.

If you're a Chicago Bears fan you've heard, and may have said, that the Bears have been really lucky this season.  And I agree that they've been lucky particularly in one aspect which I'll touch upon later.  But frankly, all successful teams are lucky.  Some are luckier than others but all successful teams take advantage of their lucky breaks. Let's see how lucky the Bears have been.

The Tuesday Ten - Link Fest

Here are 10 links for this tremendously icy Tuesday.

Misplaced Songs - 1/14/11

This is what I hope to be a weekly feature called "Misplaced Songs".  They are songs I think should have been bigger than they were but for some reason didn't catch on.  The artists in these songs will likely be artists that at the time of release were either very new and had (or have) yet to establish a following or older artists that had lost their popularity and therefore a place where their songs would be played on the radio.  Cheap Trick is a good example of the latter.  They keep making some pretty good music but I rarely hear a newer song of theirs on the radio.  It's also possible that the song might be "forgotten" meaning it received a lot of airplay at one time but is rarely heard today.  I'll feature more songs that should've been bigger instead of forgotten songs.

Best Songs of 2010 - Part 2

Here's part 2 of my list of favorite songs of 2010.  Part 1 can be found here.

Best Songs of 2010 - Part I

This is part 1 of my favorite songs released in 2010. Part 2 is here.  If someone happens to read this and downloads one or more of these that would be awesome. And if this leads someone to be introduced to new bands or older acts that you may have forgotten about that's great too. I present these songs in no particular order. 

First Things First*

*As opposed to first things last.

I've been thinking about doing this for a while so I figured why not start now?  It's only ten years after it became popular.  Besides, I've got a set of posts lined up so it's a good time to start.

Why "The Unconventional Idiot?"  Because I'm not a fan of conventional wisdom and rarely follow it.  This often leads me to trouble which makes me the unconventional idiot.  I'll even sometimes post something about conventional wisdom and why I think it's wrong.  These are likely to be sports, music or TV related posts since that's what takes up my free time.  And I have a lot of free time.

As you can see from the title I'll be using the "Joe Posnanski asterisk" for asides.  This will keep me from filling the blog with parentheses.  Also, I'm positive most typos will be from missing words not misspellings if my experience writing emails means anything.